Archive for April, 2009

April 27, 2009

lost family

by badmammy

There are large chunks of my childhood that I don’t remember. I’ve had folks (professionals & friends) tell me that I need to remember these things so that I can examine them & move forward. I say what’s so great about moving forward. I’m moving forward just fine without digging up a bunch of shit. It was a long time ago, maybe I’ve forgotten them for a reason. I lived them, no need to go there again. I believe I have learned whatever the lesson was & no sense beatin a dead dog. 

 

Why is family so important to me? I remember a card my Mother wrote to me when I turned 13. I was in Texas with my Grandmother & sad/mad that I had been “ditched” on my birthday. In it she advised me that as long as I had the love of a family, life would be good. I also remember telling my son the whole time he was growing up that if a person didn’t have a family, no matter what else they had, their life would be lacking one of the essentials of happiness. (I’m pretty sure my exact words were” if you ain’t got family, you ain’t got shit”) I also told him that you can be born to a family but you can also create your own. Either way, we need these folks. It has always puzzled me that I came from such a fightin, chaotic, messed up family yet I value them so highly.

 

My parents are gone &, somehow, I feel closer to them now. I was so incredibly blessed to have resolved all my issues with each of them before they died. I feel the loss of them every day & am happy to have them in my hearts. I carry on regular conversations these days which I never would have dared to while they were alive. I used to hate them so. I knew I loved them underneath all that anger & rage but also knew it was way, way, way down deep.

 

From the day Dad brought the first one home from the hospital, I was in charge of the brothers. Eventually there would be three. I hid in the carport behind the huge station wagon & cried like a baby when Dad came home to announce the third brother. I wanted a sister so bad. I got over it as soon as Mom brought him home. He was my baby doll. I took care of him. I took care of everybody.

 

I  grieve the loss of two brothers. They are still alive but lost to me for complex reasons of their own. I understand the reasoning of one of them (mostly circumstantial) but the other leaves me completely bewildered. I have written him, called him, cried, asked him what can we do to resolve whatever it is that is wrong. His reply is “nothing”. His two daughters are so precious to me & we were such good friends. The pain I have experienced over the girls cannot be described. I have lost time with them & nothing can bring that back. The hope I cling to is that they will soon be adults & maybe then I can restore our relationships. I fear that the girls have no understanding of why I suddenly dropped out (was kicked out) of their lives &  are resentful or angry towards me. I’ll do what I can towards having them back in my life but will mainly (as always) consider what is best for them. They are surrounded by a ton of loving cousins, aunties & uncles on their Mother’s side  of the family. They did not need the drama of me insisting to remain active in their lives. They also live in another state & that made seeing them a problem. Besides, the invitations to graduations, etc that I got arrived after the event. I’ll throw out an opening & let each know that I am always here for them. After that, it will be their choice & I will abide.

 

I’ve learned to live with these losses. They don’t keep me from a happy life. I have the best life, filled with laughter & love. My heart is still full of love for the folks no longer with me. I fancy that the old gospel songs are right & we will all gather together again in the sweet bye & bye.

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April 23, 2009

tales from the crypt

by badmammy

This happened in 1995/6, somewhere in there. I was living in Wichita Falls, Texas with my husband & son. We had just bought our house. We were really happy then.

Anyway, I was working at PPG, striking a blow for womanhood & making serious cash. I was supporting the family while hubby finished college. This setup totally fit in with my feminists views &, like I said, we were happy. God, we were young.

 After packing glass (very hard work) for a year or so, I garnered enough seniority to apply for a job on the loading dock. Shipping was an elite assignment. They were the only department that worked M-F, usually just 2 shifts instead of the rotating three with the rest of the factory. The glass never stopped coming out of the kiln once they got it going. There were always people on duty to deal with it; 24/7 as they say these days.

There had only been one other woman in shipping. She was a lot older than I & had chummed her way into the men’s hearts with home baking. She fussed over & spoiled them, sending cards to their wives when babies came & that kind of stuff. They ate it up & became very protective of her. She ruled that area & no other women dared enter.

 

I had already listened to years of redneck comments like “Ah wouldn’t let mah wife work out here” “Women cain’t do this kind of work & that will make it harder for us” &  the ever popular “You are taking a man’s job away from him & he has a family to support. It ain’t right”. When they found out hubby wasn’t working but going to school, that I had a family to support ,as well, they howled. You can imagine. “Wha, I’d sure like to get me an arrangement lak that.” “Sure wish ah could lay around whilst mah wife worked.” “Will you marry me?”

 

I worked hard & eventually won most of their grudging respect.

 

I still need to finish this . . . . . .

April 10, 2009

jelly beans

by badmammy

photo-469

 

photo-4661

April 5, 2009

one potahtah, two potahtah

by badmammy

 

 

See what happens when a heart is left in the dark & unattended?

 

zing went the strings of my heart

zing went the strings of my heart

 

I think it can be safely said that this poor heart has had to try to reproduce itself, to save itself from loneliness & sorrow. It is amazing what one will do to keep from perishing alone in the dark. Only God & I know all of the dumb shit I’ve done to keep from being alone. None of it worked & really wasn’t worth it.

 

Sometimes it’s better to be alone than with idiots (you know who you are). Then there’s the haunting feeling of being alone, no matter where you are, alone or not. You have learn to deal with it. You eventually become okay with aloneness. Often, you prefer it.

 

Then, when you are perfectly fine with being alone, along comes a heartthrob to mess it all up!

ain’t love grand??