lost family

by badmammy

There are large chunks of my childhood that I don’t remember. I’ve had folks (professionals & friends) tell me that I need to remember these things so that I can examine them & move forward. I say what’s so great about moving forward. I’m moving forward just fine without digging up a bunch of shit. It was a long time ago, maybe I’ve forgotten them for a reason. I lived them, no need to go there again. I believe I have learned whatever the lesson was & no sense beatin a dead dog. 

 

Why is family so important to me? I remember a card my Mother wrote to me when I turned 13. I was in Texas with my Grandmother & sad/mad that I had been “ditched” on my birthday. In it she advised me that as long as I had the love of a family, life would be good. I also remember telling my son the whole time he was growing up that if a person didn’t have a family, no matter what else they had, their life would be lacking one of the essentials of happiness. (I’m pretty sure my exact words were” if you ain’t got family, you ain’t got shit”) I also told him that you can be born to a family but you can also create your own. Either way, we need these folks. It has always puzzled me that I came from such a fightin, chaotic, messed up family yet I value them so highly.

 

My parents are gone &, somehow, I feel closer to them now. I was so incredibly blessed to have resolved all my issues with each of them before they died. I feel the loss of them every day & am happy to have them in my hearts. I carry on regular conversations these days which I never would have dared to while they were alive. I used to hate them so. I knew I loved them underneath all that anger & rage but also knew it was way, way, way down deep.

 

From the day Dad brought the first one home from the hospital, I was in charge of the brothers. Eventually there would be three. I hid in the carport behind the huge station wagon & cried like a baby when Dad came home to announce the third brother. I wanted a sister so bad. I got over it as soon as Mom brought him home. He was my baby doll. I took care of him. I took care of everybody.

 

I  grieve the loss of two brothers. They are still alive but lost to me for complex reasons of their own. I understand the reasoning of one of them (mostly circumstantial) but the other leaves me completely bewildered. I have written him, called him, cried, asked him what can we do to resolve whatever it is that is wrong. His reply is “nothing”. His two daughters are so precious to me & we were such good friends. The pain I have experienced over the girls cannot be described. I have lost time with them & nothing can bring that back. The hope I cling to is that they will soon be adults & maybe then I can restore our relationships. I fear that the girls have no understanding of why I suddenly dropped out (was kicked out) of their lives &  are resentful or angry towards me. I’ll do what I can towards having them back in my life but will mainly (as always) consider what is best for them. They are surrounded by a ton of loving cousins, aunties & uncles on their Mother’s side  of the family. They did not need the drama of me insisting to remain active in their lives. They also live in another state & that made seeing them a problem. Besides, the invitations to graduations, etc that I got arrived after the event. I’ll throw out an opening & let each know that I am always here for them. After that, it will be their choice & I will abide.

 

I’ve learned to live with these losses. They don’t keep me from a happy life. I have the best life, filled with laughter & love. My heart is still full of love for the folks no longer with me. I fancy that the old gospel songs are right & we will all gather together again in the sweet bye & bye.

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