Archive for June, 2009

June 13, 2009

by the power vested in me by the state of new mexico & my free downloadable certificate . . .

by badmammy

P1010022Yikes! A dream has come true. My friends have asked me marry them. You know, to each other. Not me to them. That would be silly. Although one of them is my domestic partner according to Costco. That is a whole nother story. I am also rabidly pro gay rights.

So, now it is time to me to step up & shut up. I wanted to do this. I “manafestered” it.  Some would say “You called this into your life.” My Big Sister would say “suck it up.” She’d say in a bigger, bolder, all caps font but she’d say it. And, she’d be right. Isn’t that what it all boils down to anyway?

I want to do this, have wanted to do this for a long time & am going to do it. I am thrilled that my first time will be with these particular friends. (and, yes, they are particular, in an extremely loveable, odd sort of way) I especially want to do a good job.  The heat is on. Everyone is going to be looking. I’ve already written down some ideas & informed the bride that I will need to counsel with them about the whole wedding. I’ve realized that besides writing the thing, I am going to have to direct the flow. There’s a lot more to this than just pretty words. I think I’ll be ok. I hope I’ll be ok.

Oh hey, all eyes on me, said the shy girl. If I’m gonna act like that, better shine. Anxiety shall not be allowed to rule. It can exist but not rule. 

But, eeeeeeee, I’m nervous.

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June 6, 2009

blankie

by badmammy

ring of loveThe last 2-3 weeks have been a surreal, black hole, parallel existence version of my life. Including (but not limited to) manning the death vigil of a loved one & all of machinations that followed. Throw in a sinus head that blew up to the size of a State Fair punkin & you begin to get an idea. I couldn’t even lay around & read. My weepin eyes could not take it, nor the distraction of tv or laptop. Sleep for 3 days & nights then join the marathon midway. The Midway was a regular rolley coaster of love & pain; spiritual pain & physical pain. Standing up in the midst of other’s pains, pain much greater than my own. Feeling helpless yet helpful. Scared but fearless. Shoving things aside but realizing what is important. Telling myself to just look mean ole Mr Fear in the face & deal. Let the fear come. Sit with it. Find the love in it. Be the pack leader.

 

I certainly do not demean the experience with my nervous attempt at humor above but reread what I had just written & gagged a little. No, no, I am serious. It was a blessing & a priveledge to be allowed to participate & help my sisters & fam. It was such a loving, beautiful experience & God knows I loved that Little Mama. The hole she left in our universe is large enough to suck us inside out. I do know that.

 

In all that pain I was somehow able to find joy. The joy did not diminish the pain. HillBilly Heroin did that. The Sisters soldiered on, just as if Little Mama was calling the shots, as, indeed, she was & always will. It hurt like crazy scissors but I was thrillin on being a part of it. To be able to feel the preciousness of the generations like a cape. To snuggle against the chill under that cape. To share a blankie.

 

Dang, I love this fam. And how I miss the ones out of reach.

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