still hangin in there

by badmammy

The diet? It’s going all right. We are sticking to it. It’s a “lifestyle change”, not just a diet. We’re well into the 2 week jump start without any cheats or falling off the wagon. (at least for BD. I ate cereal a couple of the first days of the program) I don’t know what happens next. A gradual reintroduction to carbs, I guess. Damn those carbs, anyway. It seems like the only foods I like are full of carbs. Even fruit & vegetables. I sure do miss my sweets. Even sugar free bubble gum has carbs.

We’ve been downloading recipes & buying only the groceries we need. The recipes are for two people. BD cooks it up, we split it & eat it. No big vats of spaghetti sauce for us. Just enough food for one meal. Eating just what we cook & not eating until I am stuffed has been hard for me.  Well, it has taken some getting used to. I was used to that packed out feeling. The Carbo Coma, one friend called it. Also, not grabbing a snack here & there is tough. It is just a matter of changing habits. We try to stay busy with other stuff. Being more active is a large part of the new master plan. It’s so easy to be a slug when it’s cold outside. BD is still working his stretch bands & I’m doing the doggie agility, plus actually trying to clean house more often. (HAH!) The other day some videos appeared. BD had been Goodwill Hunting again. They have titles like “Tae Bo”,  “Firm your ABs in 20 Minutes” &, my favorite, “Stretching for Seniors”. We watched Tae Bo just to see if it worked but haven’t stretched the seniors yet.

After watching Dr Oz on Oprah talk about sugar & what it does to our insides, I was scared to pieces. That plus the effect belly fat has on our health; strokes, diabetes, heart disease. Now that I’m a little older I am not feeling as bulletproof as I used to. It would be a shame to die of something preventable.

I know I always say either enjoy your bad habits or quit them. And enjoy my vices, I do. And obviously have. But some of these vices have begun to add up. And up. And up. So. it was time to give some of them a rest. Plus, being overweight is just plain uncomfortable.  Not fun anymore to drink & eat everything in sight. Hopefully, my taster buds are changing.

It’s also embarrassing to be fat. I try to be comfortable & secure within myself no matter what size I am. Yeah, yeah, it’’s what’s inside that counts. We all know that. But let’s face it, trying to cram your big ass into a little space in front of strangers is awful. Even worse in front of family & friends.

A friend of mine has recently put on some weight, enough to make me stifle a scream when I noticed. I was astounded but certainly didn’t want to say anything. No body needs to have it pointed out to them that they’ve gotten fat; they know. Trust me, they know. I had a lot to think about that day. What I was feeling must be similar to what my friends & family felt as they watched me balloon. I realized how much love I am surrounded by from folks that only want the best for me;  folks that love me enough to be supportive when I need it & butt out when I don’t. They loved me anyway. I know all of them would rather see me healthy but they left me alone. I also know that leaving  something like that alone is hard. When I wanted to talk about it, they listened. When I didn’t, they shut up.

For me, being overweight screams to the world that I’ve stopped caring about myself. The self love thing has been a tough one for me for as long as I can remember. I felt fat & ugly at 130 lbs & wouldn’t wear a swimsuit because someone might see my huge thighs. I feel more secure about myself now than I did when I was “young & beautiful”. That’s a weird feeling, tied to getting older, I imagine. Now I parade my self around & don’t even care. I finally discovered that we wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of us if we knew  how seldom they did. All those kids whose judgement I dreaded in High School felt just the same as I did, I have discovered. I would never do anything in front of anyone for fear of ridicule. No running in PE, as few oral book reports as possible, that kind of stuff. It was even sometimes hard to eat in front of people. I sure got over that one! Now I’m bowling. What a hoot.

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