forgiveness

by badmammy

AAAAAKKK! Is there anything on this planet that is less forgiving than a dressing room in a store? Standing there in your undies?  Anything??! Scorned crazy stalker exlover with abandonment issues? Scary? Not in my book. What? You’re going to throw me into the pit full of starving tigers? Ok, fine, but there better not be a full length, florescent lit three way mirror down there or the deal is off.

Those that know me know that I would rather take a beatin’ than shop. I’d just as soon starve as go for groceries. I hate shopping. Especially for clothes. I’m one of those fun folks who just shut down in malls & looks for the nearest exit. Too much stuff, crammed into all the stores, all looking the same, people milling, bumping, rifling. It is too much. I used to mail order some of my clothes, now I use the web. Plus, I wear the same ones forever. I buy solid colors in the same tones or slightly different shades, one or two patterns that go with everything & mix & match. My Mother convinced me at an early age that mix & match was the key to life.

Anyway, I have decided to treat myself to a new dress. I’ve lost weight (yipeeee!) & it is just enough so that nothing I have fits anymore (yahoooo!). I’m going to a happy event where I want to “look nice”  (another concept of Mother’s). This is a problem I have longed for, I know. I worked to get into this position. It’s not a real problem, this is no big deal in the big picture of the world, nothing is hanging in the balance. But, I want a new dress & as fun as that sounds, it has turned into a horrifing trip into gruesome reality.

It. Was. Awful. Standing in the soul baring light, looking at my full length self, from several angles, I was bitch slapped right out of any illusions or creative visualization that I had cooked up about the state of skin that has been expanded beyond a reasonable amount then asked to return. Ouch. All of the “soft, round curves” are shrinking (hallejulla!) but the fact is, I’m gonna have wrinkles. . . . . . .  wrinkles in places that I never imagined. I’m not talking happy crow’s feet or laugh lines. I’ve had those for awhile. We’re talking ruts & jowls. I saw my reflection in Macy’s dressing room & it scared the heck outta me.

For awhile, anyway. I’m gonna learn to love it. I’m going to keep on trying to take better care of my body, eat better stuff, exercise. I’m going to keep practicing forgiveness. I’m still gonna eat candy. This is my life & I’ve gotta live it . . . . did not come this far to falter & all that. I’m pullin on my spanx & gettin a new dress.

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