Posts tagged ‘denial’

November 19, 2010

sorry is as sorry does

by badmammy

“I’m sorry. I was being selfish.”

I heard the words come out of my mouth & realized in a flash that I had indeed been acting selfishly, selfish in a way that must stop. It’s not that I throw sorries around right & left without thinking about it, it’s that it was hard to admit, I meant it & knew as I said the words just how true they were. It just hadn’t hit me until then.

Oh sure, blah, blah, blah, I’ve been swimming upstream at my new job, trying to learn something complicated. Being Postal is a lot of work. (new job is at a postal place, mail boxes, shipping, packing, etc) The job is physical, which I am not used to. It is amazing how out of shape one can get lying around the house playing farmtown on the laptop. The job is also mentally hard, lots of numbers, forms, weights, meters,  . . . . . . numbers! Ah, numbers, my strong suit, NOT! There is also a strong element of drama going on between the other employees that I state over & over again I do not want to participate in. I will not carry tales & I will not spy. It pisses them off. Too bad.

Here comes the old “be careful what you wish for”, I know. I did want a challenge. I do need a job, I asked the universe for this. But, dang, at what cost?

I like my job but I get tired. I hurt all over sometimes. All I want to do is crawl in bed with a book & my doggie & cover my head.

That’s all fine & dandy. But it has been going on too long. I have to ask myself some hard questions. Have I been using my difficulties at work as a shield to hide behind? Have I used this trouble to give me something to focus on while I deny facing the reality of losing a friend & watching loved ones suffer their own illnesses? Why am I letting it drag me down? I have to admit that I’m not near as physically tired as I was when I first started. The mental part really pulls me down, tho. Has dragging home & limping to bed become a habit? Since when have I become someone who puts up with shit over a part-time job? Does my failure to catch on as fast as I am used to learning new things mean that I’m getting old & it’s the menopausal brain shutting down? Is my failure to grasp the difference between priority & express just my brains way of encouraging my feets to run?

How long do I endure a frustrating situation before I hear my mother’s voice, “well, girl, you must like it. You keep runnin back for more”?

So, yes, I have let a crappy situation come between me & my life.

Thank God I have good friends, family & a wonderful support system. I’m hard on them at times, I know. I haven’t shown up, I haven’t called very often. That’s just wrong of me, work drama or no work drama.

So, this morning as I sit here counting my blessings & reflecting on the goodness in my life, number one is gratitude & appreciation for a friend who cares enough about me to tell me bout myself when I caused her unnecessary worry & concern at a time when I really, really shouldn’t have.

Toothfairy, I love you.