Posts tagged ‘letting go’

May 27, 2010

i’m just a girl with a bad reputation

by sissychick13

I’m bad, we all know that. I mean, just look at my handle: Badmammy. I do like it. I prefer to think of my badness as an asset & a positive thing. I tell myself that I’m bad like in coolness or hipness. I know (& most folks who know me agree) that I am not a mean or vicious person. I can not tell you when my last fist fight was & don’t believe I’ve even had a good argument with anyone in a long time, not since “the insane hormonal years”, at least. These days I’m all about peace & love, after all. I work on it every day.

There was a time in my life when I was full of anger & could really throw down. I could kick, holler, scream & cuss with the best of ‘em. Growing up with three younger brothers, who, it seemed to me, spent their child hoods devoted to pestering me & making me screech “MOOOOOOM!” I developed survival skills similar to Navy Seals. These skills served me well for most of my life but I’ve been working on outgrowing those urges & like to believe in my progress.  Maybe it has to do with my lazy nature but I just don’t have it in me to fight anymore. Not much seems worth it. If I had cancer, I would fight that. Maybe. I will still peacefully fight for human rights or equality. If you mess with my kids or family, I’ll be on you before you or I have time to think about it. You can bet if you’re beating a kid or a dog in the parking lot, I’m gonna say something. I’ll be mad about that, all right, but I’ll call the cops.

But the past? Something I have no control over? No, that can’t make me mad anymore. I refuse. There are regrets, of course, broken hearts, disappointments & just about a millions things I won’t do again. But, I’m not gonna be mad.

Maybe I’ve moved into another type of madness!

“You’ve got to let go of anger” I say, with the wave of a hand. “It will eat you up.” “Walk On.” “Two tears in a bucket . . . . . .”

All of this has been on my mind a lot lately. Maybe because one day last week I heard from four different relatives, all of whom I dearly love, making plans to get together & telling me I could go too, if I “behaved” & didn’t “start something.” Let me tell you right now that none of these comments are based on my bad behavior in the past. I’ve never started a rumble at a funeral, never stood up at a wedding when the preacher man asked if anyone had objections, never even got drunk at a reunion & decided to tell somebody about themselves.

“Why is everyone telling me to behave?” “Am I really so bad?” “Don’t these people know me better than that?” I cried to Big Daddy.

The love of my life proceeded to do the most aggravating thing in the world. He quoted me back to myself! Gulp. And, I have to admit, it was very good advice. He calmly pointed out to me how incredibly lucky I am to have these folks in my life, how much I love them, how much they love me. In the words of Cher, in Moonstruck, he said “snap out of it!”

And, you know, I started thrillin. Thrillin. Thrillin, Yipeeeeeee. Ima git me a new dress!

And if all I have to do is “be nice”, then, heck, I would’ve done that anyway.